'Life changes in an instant': Mental health toll almost forces woman to leave Royal Navy background behind
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A military daughter has spoken out of the untold mental health pressures that come with being a part of a Royal Navy family.
Robynne Batley-Mallett, from Portsmouth, said the constant last-minute changes and long period of not seeing her dad left a toll on her and her brother. She initially thought she would turn her back on military life, but fell in love with a sailor and now supports others who went through similar challenges.
“My maternal grandfather was in the Navy and so was my dad,” Ms Batley-Mallett said. “I always said I’d never marry into the military as I’d seen first-hand what it could be like; the long stretches of absence, the stress at home, the constant not knowing.
“So, the Navy has been a thread running through my entire life, sometimes quietly in the background and sometimes shaping everything. During my childhood, my dad wasn’t always present and then suddenly he was home, but he was only really home physically. At the same time, my mum carried a lot of stress raising two children effectively as a solo parent.
“This was in the mid-90s too, where mental health wasn’t something people talked about and the impact of service life on families wasn’t widely acknowledged. Through no fault of the Navy - the support just wasn’t there in the same way it is now - my parents didn’t survive it.”
The military child added that she could not describe at the time the impact this had on her family. She said her older brother bore the brunt of the tension and negative atmosphere. “When I met my husband, I honestly didn’t want to sign up for that life again,” she added. “I knew how it felt as a daughter and I was frightened of being alone - that’s the one thing I had always said I wouldn’t choose; to be alone.
“But we fell in love, and we’ve been together eight years and married for four. We also have a child now. I’ve been lucky in many ways. We haven’t yet had to navigate a full deployment while parenting, but even without that, military life has its pressures.
“There is the unspoken expectation that his job comes first, and of course it does because it’s important work. However, I have a job too as well as my own identity, ambitions and responsibilities. Sometimes it’s hard to find the compromise when you both care deeply about your careers and communication can become strained, especially when you’re both juggling so much.”
Ms Batley-Mallett said military life can “change in an instant” too, which is “difficult to deal with”. Plans and holidays get cancelled on a regular basis, with rumours swirling when ships are due home. “You’re constantly adjusting expectations and that uncertainty is exhausting,” she added. “There’s still a mentality in military communities of ‘just get on with it’. Be resilient. Be proud. Be strong. And we are strong, but strength doesn’t mean you don’t need support.”
The military mum said the stage before becoming a wife is confusing, as you’re not sure what support you’re entitled to. She described it as being in “a horrible vicious circle where you feel stuck and isolated”. To support others in a similar position, she became a mental health navigator with Solent Mind. Hampshire’s largest mental health charity has expanded its support for armed forces families through its Military Minds service.
This new wellbeing service helps personnel in the Army and RAF navigate the challenges of service life by providing mental health support when needed. The programme is funded through the Armed Forces Covenant. Staff with lived experience discuss any problems with serving personnel and help them navigate the challenges of service life - handing them free resources and signposting them to additional local services and groups. Royal Navy and Royal Marines personnel already receive similar assistance through the Anchoring Minds service.
Ms Batley-Mallett said: “Frequent moving, stress around deployment, loneliness - there’s a lot to contend with when you’re living with a partner, child or parent in the British Army or Royal Air Force and it’s not uncommon for military families to need some extra support. And, with the current situation in the Middle East creating additional uncertainty for many serving personnel, anxiety may feel especially high for military families right now.”
Anna Wright, CEO at the Armed Forces Covenant Fund Trust, added: “The mental challenges of forces life and its impacts at home can be complex for all members of a family. It’s through partnerships like this - with charities which also service the civilian population and have connective tissue like the wider national Mind network - that we can really establish the garden of support that needs to grow up around forces partners. I look forward to seeing it bloom.”
You can access support and further information about Military Minds online, by calling 0303 003 4239, or at the email address [email protected].