The Zen master of hide and seek | BBC Radio Solent's Alun Newman
It’s not very often my children ask me for anything. If it had not been for the fact that we’re in the middle of a global pandemic, my son would have taken his driving test and, had he passed, he had big plans to disappear off into the sunset every weekend in my car, using my fuel.Small mercies, eh?
The kids have their own money coming in, and other than meal times and general family argy-bargy, our role as god-like providers was diminishing.
It’s with that in mind, any opportunity to interact or assist I’ll take with both hands.
Not always in my favour.
One of my children is a fabulous cook and I’m often offered the chance to get involved.
However, the role I’m assigned is commonly known as KP (Kitchen Porter) and it really involves getting stuff, cleaning stuff, and washing stuff.
There is also the responsibility of ‘letting them know when the oven timer goes off’.
This is because it’s hard to hear planet earth when you’ve always got headphones in.
This week my daughter, quite out of the blue, asked if I wanted to play hide and seek?
She was going lockdown crazy and finally (it’s a miracle!) it seemed that YouTube had run out of garbage.
Hide and seek is an area I specialise in and, coming from a large family, I have become quite the Zen Master.
However, this time we added a 2020 new technology twist.
Whoever hides has to have their mobile phone and send scary, ‘I’m watching you, I can see you’ messages to the detective who’s seeking.
This small but significant addition really did add some bonus fun.
Most children, when playing hide and seek, look too fast.
They scan but don’t really have a good look.
On our third game, I had positioned myself standing in a wardrobe, shielded by a rail of clothes.
Sure, this is a classic.
The bonus camouflage involved leaning a guitar case against one leg and holding a hooded top against the other.
I became one with the environment.
It was my son's wardrobe, so it always looks a mess inside as it’s where he ‘folds’ and ‘puts away’ his washing.
Often in the papers, you’ll have seen an image of a jungle or forest and asked to spot the camouflaged Royal Marines.
There should be the same photo for dads playing hide and seek.
I have in the past gone as far as creating fake walls out of cardboard sheets to give the illusion of an empty cupboard.
I was completely untraceable.
I continued to send messages taunting my daughter.
As a slightly anxious character, she became more and more nervous.
At one stage she was hunting the house with my wife for security.
She’d opened the cupboard twice already and still not located me.
We have a reasonably small house so security sweeps of each room are relatively straight forward.
After a while, the house fell silent and I assumed there would be a surprise attack at any moment.
Sadly that never came.
I held my nerve battling heat and leg exhaustion until I got a text from the detective saying that she’d given up and gone to queue at Asda with mum.
I’d won!!
Next time I’m taking water though.
Edible perfume for lockdown
I like to think that these articles can bring the unexpected, the surprise and the pointless.
I am proud to have raised awareness of Aunt Bessie’s Sunday Dinner Ale (made with real potatoes, 4.7 per cent).
We used to have a slogan at work, ‘I waste my time so you don’t have to!’ Today another one has landed in the inbox.
As usual, it starts with the phrase ‘these are testing times and so to help you through ....’
It can then be anything from cheaper data, rash creams or chopsticks.
Every TV advert, with the help of an orchestral backing track, tells us all that they ‘get us’, they’re 'supporting us', 'we’re in this together'… so please buy our tyres.
Here’s an unusual and genuine one for you ‘to help you through these extraordinary times… Peanut Butter and Jam perfume!
It's claimed that after years in development it’s finally here.
The balance of sweet conserve with the heady aroma of nuts reflects the changing aroma pallet of perfume wearers around the world.
It’s brilliant.
If you're lucky enough to break social distancing and move in for a rare kiss with someone you’ve been bonded to for the last eight weeks, it’ll get you right in the mood for… a sandwich.
And at cost of more than £30!