Columnist Alun Newman: Doom-scrolling my way to happiness

We’ve all seen it - adults and children, heads down, eyes glued to screens, chasing the next fix.

A cat that can wave, a “hack” to make bread in 20 seconds using just an airing cupboard and yesterday’s chips, or someone crying because they’ve been reunited with someone who clearly didn’t want to stay in touch.

These algorithms are impressive, useful, and the mathematical equivalent of cigarettes.

I was already a doom-scroller of sorts, drawn to renovation and repair videos - I appreciate how boring that sounds.

A while back, my children came over for food and shared short video clips. They were on a different smartphone platform, and I immediately felt left out.

I wanted in because there was comedy to share, yet I knew it was the last thing I needed.

Brilliant content is like many drugs, irresistible, but dangerous. I was quickly hooked.

Unsurprisingly, the app soon understood exactly what I was interested in and the type of content I liked. Some content I didn’t know I liked (cruise ships dealing with large waves and storm weather, anyone?)

Children don’t stand a chance against this tech. I don’t stand a chance. It delivers tiny, potent doses of dopamine in exchange for hypnotising you, stealing 30 minutes of your life at a time.

The general rule is simple: if something is free, you’re the product. But it’s not all bad news, this week, I’ve learned what not to do if I ever remodel my kitchen.

I believe that, if pressed, I could change the cambelt on a Ford Ranger.

I’ve also made enormous progress in cooking duck breast.

Beyond that, I can’t account for the hours I’ve lost. Perhaps they aren’t lost, perhaps they were hours well spent, entertained in a curated, chaotic treasure hunt of possibly useful, possibly interesting, definitely trivial content.

Every so often, you even find a diamond.

While throwing my life down the social media toilet, I was offered an exclusive deal for an amazing product! It’s that time of year when many declare war on condensation. I bought large silica bags to place on the windowsills. They collect moisture. No more wiping UPVC glass. No more mouldy silicon around the window.

No more, “I could leave the vents open, but then it’s freezing.”

Just when I thought all was lost, that my life was slipping through my fingers, it turns out I was wrong. Now I’ve got life-changing silica bags*.

I’ve traded a portion of my life in return for less condensation, although as I type that I’m not convinced it’s a bargain.

*As yet untested, so far it’s been too warm.