British Pie Week: I tried Piecaramba's piescraper challenge in Southsea - and it utterly broke me

Whether that’s some form of weight-based discrimination, or because the editor once saw me demolish an entire pack of hobnobs in 30 minutes, is perhaps still up for debate - but every time a restaurant challenges us to eat something crazy, all eyes turn to me.

I’ve got a reputation for it now, I suppose; I took down the challenge of Portsmouth’s spiciest pizza at the Guildhall Village in 2019; came second to John Beckett in a pie-eating competition at Pie and Vinyl in 2020; and utterly ruined my insides by tackling a curry seven times spicier than a phal at the Akash in 2023.

So when Piecaramba came to us with a challenge of their own, I felt it was once again my time to shine.

On their menu, the Albert Road restaurant has something called the piescraper - and never before has there been a more suitable name for a dish. It’s three pies, stacked on top of one another, one a bed of mashed potatoes with cheese, mushy peas and crispy onions layered throughout. You get 10 minutes to eat the whole thing - succeed, and you get it for free and have your name immortalised on the wall of fame.

To date, just five people have completed it, and I was keen to make my name the sixth.

As I readied myself, Piecaramba’s manager, Lucy Horsman, explained to me that a YouTuber had recently come in and done the challenge; he ordered six pies instead of three, polished the whole lot off in six minutes, then asked for dessert!

Perhaps that meant the challenge was too easy, I wondered...

The food arrived soon after, and I was given a steak pie, a lamb pie, and Piecaramba’s signature beef burrito pie, which sat at the bottom of the stack. Once our photographer had finished taking the photos you see here, the timer was started and I set off in earnest. My plan was simple - disregard cutlery, eat like a pig and don’t slow down until the plate was cleared.

As Mike Tyson once said: “Everybody has a plan until they get punched in the face.” I was about to learn that the hard way, metaphorically speaking.

The first pie went down without much fuss, and with three minutes down I was making good time too. But everything soon fell apart rather quickly. The pies still had steam coming off them, and so the second one was too hold to hold onto.

Out came the knife and fork, slowing me down a fair bit. I ripped apart the final two pies to let them cool down, and started ploughing through the mashed potato - plus anything else that fell onto the fork. It was at this point that I started to slow down.

Once the second pie was done and dusted, all that remained was the beef burrito pie and some mash. But time was against me, and I had hit ‘the wall’; I literally could not force myself to eat any faster.

The final seconds ticked away, and when the 10 minutes was up, all I had left was the final pie crust and a tiny bit of mash. It was a stellar effort, but I was beaten all the same.

As I said to Lucy at the time, this was quite a kick in the teeth for my ego, but a testament to how challenging the piescraper truly is. It certainly helps that Piecaramba’s food is absolutely delicious, too. All their pies are made here in Hampshire, and delivered to their three restaurants in Southsea, Winchester and Southampton.

We took on this challenge for British Pie Week, but the restaurant has some celebrations of its own planned later this month. Piecaramba’s birthday in Southsea is on March 22, and staff have promised not only some great deals, but also a quiz night for those who come along to join the festivities.

It was only later, when I returned home a defeated man, that the reality of what I’d failed truly hit me. Who’d have known - trying to eat three whole pies in 10 minutes is not something that would agree with my body?

I sit typing this as a man who is broken. I probably won’t try the piescraper challenge again... but the next time I fancy a pie for dinner, I know exactly where I’m heading.