Columnist Alun Newman: I tried to buy petrol… and the pump won

All those youngsters who huff and puff as we try to make a video call on WhatsApp - their time will come.

There are some great ways to test how you're doing with new technology, to see if you’re starting to get frustrated and overwhelmed, one of which is to use the Post Office self-service machines.

If supermarket self-service is the ‘starter’, then the Post Office presents the main course.

If you haven’t encountered them, they're well worth a try. You have multiple-level questions raining down on you starting with weight and size, moving on to country and destination, finishing with a flurry regarding value and insurance.

And it's all peppered with security questions that you’ll always answer 'no' to.

They are fantastic and I have mastered them, but it’s taken time and embarrassment. Early on in my training I attempted to post a jiffy bag into the slot that was the ‘measuring aperture’.

I was ramming this thing into what was essentially a piece of wood. The queue was watching - I felt their judgement and experienced shame.

However, it’s from those trials by fire that we develop as humans. I was recently queuing for a machine and a lady early in her own training shouted: “What do you mean Value Protection Insurance?”

The clue was in what she shouted, but we were all too British to pretend we had heard.

Someone eventually came to her aid. I did wonder whether these machines actually make the process any quicker, happier or faster.

But just when I thought I'd made it to the top set, I’ve been brought down a peg or two.

I recently stopped at a supermarket for fuel. Now I’m no novice and thought I was talented enough to complete the self-service system. It was new with a posh glass screen, moving images and welcome messages. Oooooh, fancy!

But for the love of all things I hold dear, I couldn’t work it out.

Usually, you just press pay at the pump or kiosk, but that option wasn’t there. I scanned my supermarket card, thinking that might help, but no. I said 'yes' in advance to a receipt. Still nothing. Maybe if I lifted the pump, it would give me the option? Definitely not. It got quite cross at that.

I tried to pay on the flat plastic area where you hold your phone. Still nothing.

I was unable, incapable and apparently too thick to buy petrol. I simply couldn’t do it.

Someone was waiting behind me and there is nothing worse in my book than being the person creating a queue. The humiliation was making it hard to focus. I was repeating moves I had already tried with no success. I couldn’t possibly go in and ask how to get petrol out of a petrol pump. The embarrassment!

I left. With no fuel.

It was humiliating.

I will now have to avoid certain petrol stations until I get my confidence back. I’m no longer top set… and I’m running out of petrol.